It Hurts So Good

Since we have a Cookie Swap Party to throw, Martha and I decided to make up this week. As a gesture of good faith, I decided to use her recipes - a Cranberry Pistachio Biscotti and Double Chocolate Brownie Cookies (I really wanted to make Christmas decorated sugar cookies, but after my rolling pin fiasco two weeks ago, I decided not to take the risk). And even though the party isn't until tomorrow, I decided to start baking today, just to make sure I had plenty of time (I hate stressing out or rushing through what is suppose to be enjoyable tasks).

So do you want the good news or the bad news?


Ok, the good news is that I'm glad I decided to bake today instead of tomorrow. I baked for FIVE hours straight! I didn't eat, use the bathroom, or sit down the entire time. And when I was done, I was knackered. All I wanted to do was nap. That would not have been a gracious thing for a hostess to do on the night of her party.

The bad news is that my cookies look and taste like $h*t.

Ok, so the biscotti turned out good, but I was disappointed that the recipe was suppose to make four dozen when it barely made three (and usually I can squeeze out more than the recipe intends). After baking it the first time, I was to let it cool for 20 minutes before cutting it and baking it again, but I didn't realize it was so fragile while cutting and ended up breaking a lot of it before baking it the 2nd time, which resulted in even less biscotti! Martha did not warn me of that.

After the biscotti, I moved onto the cookies. The first batch looked nothing like the pictures and tasted even worse. In fact, it looked like doo-doo crap and tasted like doo-doo crap! It was dry and cakey, not brownie-like at all! I started laughing to myself and crying at the same time. Usually, if I mess up on a recipe, it's the end of that. But I was convinced I followed the recipe to a T. Plus, I had already laid out the ingredients to bake a second batch (I was aiming to make five dozen), so I read, re-read, and re-read again the recipe about 27 times before baking the second batch. And again, just more doo-doo crap. Is it possible for me to suck that bad at baking?!

With the kitchen already turned upside down, I decided I might as well charge on with the creme brulee. My feet hurt, my back ached, but I was determined to get it all done. I must have been delirious at this point because I accidentally let the cream boil (instead of simmer) and I rushed through beating the eggs and cream, so when I was done, it was all foamy (instead of creamy). To make matters worse, I forgot to cover it in aluminum foil before baking it (although I'm not sure what the aluminum foil is suppose to do for it), but the creme brulee is now chilling in the fridge with a bunch of bubbles at the top.

Again, I just stood there, deliriously leaning against the counter, and laughed.

When my parent's came home and saw the "brownie cookies," my mom was like, "Did you burn them? Why are they all brown and black?" It's not black! It's suppose to be chocolate!!! Mind you, my folks have been really supportive about my adventures in baking, but it was so bad today that even my dad was like, "Did you forget to add butter?" Waaaaahhahaaaaaaaaaa!!! Did I forget to add butter?! I most certainly did not! If anything, Martha forgot to add butter when typing up her damn recipe!

I went online and Googled her recipe to ensure it wasn't a typo in the book. I found a commenter who took the words right out of my mouth:

Followed instructions exactly. Oven temperature is correct. Did NOT overbake. Cookies do not spread and flatten like the ones pictured and seem dry when cold and even dryer when frozen. Not recommended by this experienced baker.

Granted, I am by no means a baker, much less an "experienced" baker, but I am soooo not feeling Martha right now.

We had our differences, which I was happy to put aside. Surely her reputation in the kitchen and home should mean something right? NO. I feel like I've been in an abusive relationship, where she keeps beating me yet I keep finding excuses (like, it was my fault, not her's) and taking her back. I'd like to say I'm moving on from Martha for good, especially since she let me down before my party... but who knows, like with most malignant relationships, I'll probably end up coming back for more.


Postscript (11:52PM): On a happier note, I find it really endearing that all my girlfriends who are attending the party tomorrow are in their kitchen right at this exact moment, mixing, rolling, baking and packing up for tomorrow's Cookie Swap and helping me give back to our community!